Don't be your own Kryptonite

 

Don't be your own Kryptonite

Tell me how to cut this desparation. 
Tell me how to heal myself. 
I'm too out of it. 
I'm breaking for everyone else instead. 
I'm done. 
I'm exhausted. 
Like constantly being tugged by strings I no longer see 
I no longer know
Where they are attached to 
Where they are leading me 
If at all 
Or remaining here forever

When did I fall into this trap?
Need to be in a certain way
Act like this
Act like that 
But be yourself at the same time
How do I ? 
Tell me 
Oh this desperation to be accepted
To be loved
To please
Everybody else
Except myself 

Don't be your own kryptonite 
Indulging in short term dopamine effects
White pigeons have scarlet red eyes 
More significantly visible than those on Grey's
Hilarious contrast 
My living paradox 
Wanted sublime 
Now in urget need to detox 
Again!
Adorned like jewels 
Some inherent defect..
Exposed and luring..
Why call it "pure".. ?
And lose its appeal as soon as you realise there's nothing more...
What's so wrong? 
Why hold her on that pedestal at all? 
Couldn't you see ? 
And cherish the "ordinary"?
Now you feel like it's not your show..
Every single time
Subduing that connect, filled with rage
Fighting these reins
Or do we even need them?
Maybe, maybe not,
For I always believed in testing boundaries
Only to realise, yes, we do, indeed a lot. 
Not as restrictions but to set a path.. 
Although without foresight
You just follow what you think is right..

Sometimes it's difficult to know
To be so strong, a person who stays, 
Firm on their ground.. 
Or grow with no bounds
But how do I grow, learn without losing parts of myself, 
without falling once, twice, three times or even four...?
Without being too malleable 
That's exactly what you need 
To be stable!
But my dear, don't you know?
You have yourself to heed
Only to ignore?
And then taking days, months and years 
To reconnect
To find yourself once more? 

Oh how preposturous!

Someone once asked me what inspires you,
Don't say the cliche!
Is that why you did what you did?
But darling, how do I tell you 
This is the only way I know 
How to feel and express, only when strained 
Sometimes I wonder too 
But happiness had never really inspired as much 
Though I wish it had.. 
But before I could even begin
They broke their shortlived charade
Like splintering silence
Conscience shattered on the floor
Only to hear "I'm done, I don't care anymore".

A certain someone came in my dreams.. 
Told me to "be careful of people" 
Oh how blatantly mean!
Such a realistic facade 
All for me to see..
Only to test if I'm standing steady 
For anything, I must be ready..
But to what extent? 
Maybe just a little more? 
Such a wise fool 
To be so greedy 
To step into experiences so gore
I wonder why
so willingly did I 
Drown myself just to cry

Set afloat and again I try

For glints? Was it..?
As Another told me if only I could "play it right"
"Change my hair"
Maybe some rouge, 
Surely, you wouldn't mind..?
"Not that you need it" 
But help, it just might 
Afterall we must make "amends" to fit right
Or just lie a little to be more acceptable
Or to get what you want, what's so wrong with that?
No limits to these shenanigans
No limits to what people would say
But what did I say?
Why didn't I say?
Did I have  so many doubts to speak for myself?
Did I not see it worthy enough? 
And jeopardised another 
Not thinking again
Just do what you think is right..
But what If i have no idea?
I'll know,
 By falling once more..

At last, I ask myself, when did I change?
Someone so unstable
Repeatedly I did tell myself
Nobody is bound to stay, 
Even if they say otherwise 
So come, my dear, let's stay here for a while. 
Let's hold eachother till we can 
For I too don't intend on staying forever...
I wish someone could say
I'm here to stay
So come here sweet bird
Lay in my arms
I'll hold you close 
So here I stand
Looking again
From the grey to the white pigeon..
So  I don't forget myself again 

-August 2023