Don't be your own Kryptonite

 

Don't be your own Kryptonite

Tell me how to cut this desparation. 

Tell me how to heal myself. 

I'm too out of it. 

I'm breaking for everyone else instead. 

I'm done. 

I'm exhausted. 

Like constantly being tugged by strings I no longer see 

I no longer know

Where they are attached to 

Where they are leading me 

If at all 

Or remaining here forever

When did I fall into this trap?

Need to be in a certain way

Act like this

Act like that 

But be yourself at the same time

How do I ? 

Tell me 

Oh this desperation to be accepted

To be loved

To please

Everybody else

Except myself 

Don't be your own kryptonite 

Indulging in short term dopamine effects

White pigeons have scarlet red eyes 

More significantly visible than those on Grey's

Hilarious contrast 

My living paradox 

Wanted sublime 

Now in urget need to detox 

Again!

Adorned like jewels 

Some inherent defect..

Exposed and luring..

Why call it "pure".. ?

And lose its appeal as soon as you realise there's nothing more...

What's so wrong? 

Why hold her on that pedestal at all? 

Couldn't you see ? 

And cherish the "ordinary"?

Now you feel like it's not your show..

Every single time

Subduing that connect, filled with rage

Fighting these reins

Or do we even need them?

Maybe, maybe not,

For I always believed in testing boundaries

Only to realise, yes, we do, indeed a lot. 

Not as restrictions but to set a path.. 

Although without foresight

You just follow what you think is right..

Sometimes it's difficult to know

To be so strong, a person who stays, 

Firm on their ground.. 

Or grow with no bounds

But how do I grow, learn without losing parts of myself, 

without falling once, twice, three times or even four...?

Without being too malleable 

That's exactly what you need 

To be stable!

But my dear, don't you know?

You have yourself to heed

Only to ignore?

And then taking days, months and years 

To reconnect

To find yourself once more? 

Oh how preposturous!

Someone once asked me what inspires you,

Don't say the cliche!

Is that why you did what you did?

But darling, how do I tell you 

This is the only way I know 

How to feel and express, only when strained 

Sometimes I wonder too 

But happiness had never really inspired as much 

Though I wish it had.. 

But before I could even begin

They broke their shortlived charade

Like splintering silence

Conscience shattered on the floor

Only to hear "I'm done, I don't care anymore".

A certain someone came in my dreams.. 

Told me to "be careful of people" 

Oh how blatantly mean!

Such a realistic facade 

All for me to see..

Only to test if I'm standing steady 

For anything, I must be ready..

But to what extent? 

Maybe just a little more? 

Such a wise fool 

To be so greedy 

To step into experiences so gore

I wonder why

so willingly did I 

Drown myself just to cry

Set afloat and again I try

For glints? Was it..?

As Another told me if only I could "play it right"

"Change my hair"

Maybe some rouge, 

Surely, you wouldn't mind..?

"Not that you need it" 

But help, it just might 

Afterall we must make "amends" to fit right

Or just lie a little to be more acceptable

Or to get what you want, what's so wrong with that?

No limits to these shenanigans

No limits to what people would say

But what did I say?

Why didn't I say?

Did I have  so many doubts to speak for myself?

Did I not see it worthy enough? 

And jeopardised another 

Not thinking again

Just do what you think is right..

But what If i have no idea?

I'll know,

 By falling once more..

At last, I ask myself, when did I change?

Someone so unstable

Repeatedly I did tell myself

Nobody is bound to stay, 

Even if they say otherwise 

So come, my dear, let's stay here for a while. 

Let's hold eachother till we can 

For I too don't intend on staying forever...

I wish someone could say

I'm here to stay

So come here sweet bird

Lay in my arms

I'll hold you close 

So here I stand

Looking again

From the grey to the white pigeon..

So  I don't forget myself again 

-August 2023