There is still some colour left in me

Look at me

Giving up on love

But I wish

I could tell you

I utter only a few words

For my head speaks a different language

A language incompréhensible even to me at times

Of dirty little hands

Scribbled with black ink

And the vast blue sky

A lady in a blue dress

With a hat that may fly

Of colours so vivid

They blind my mind

And fill my throat

I utter only a few words

Because I know not how I feel 

Unless you know what powder blue means 

Its the colour of pain

And orange that of dusk 

Dusk brings along

A feeling of forlorn

So tell me now

Will you understand? 

When I say I feel like sand

Slipping away from my own hands

Looking at the world with a careful lense

"Saher, you're too serious,

Relax"

Maybe it was meant to be just pretence 

"Hey you, don't take everything so seriously"

Always careful, always thinking of the consequence..

Held myself in a cage

"She's too mature for her age"

So let go of all the walls, I did,

 Let go of all these strings 

And then met with these words that said: 

"Hey kiddo"

"Have you any idea how the world works? No?"

And if not, then Why is that? 

 By now shouldn't you know?

"She's too vulnerable, she's too sweet"

Tell me what's so wrong with that?

"Don't you think

You're a bit too old

to realise, 

And if not, then "Why haven't you so far?"

"Think a little before you decide.."

"Are you sure?"

"Surely you don't mind?"

"Take off those rose-tinted glasses

My dear, Don't you see?"

Maybe I was blind

As if mine weren't enough,

All these doubts flooded my way.

But I knew what I was doing all along, 

Inviting all the pain 

A conscious decision, I would say

I saw it all but refused to accept these feelings, overwhelmed 

But did I really abandon myself?

What of when I asked you to stop? 

And you said, "no way, not now, no."

And I convinced myself saying, let's try, let's see where we'll go

Didn't you hear me shout aloud?

Didn't you leave my body to shiver?

"I know you're scared", you said right there

Why did I let it be? Tell me did you do it deliberately?

"Don't feel like being gentle with you, surely you understand, don't you?"

Why did I let you go on?

Convincing myself this is what I want?

What of when I said I think it's wrong? 

"Sweetheart, I want you to do this for me"

What of when I asked us to stay?

And you left with a deflated "meh" anyway?

Was that not me giving my all? 

Fighting, trying so desparately??

Maybe not enough fight left in me..

What of when I said it's hurting? 

But you kept at it for long?

Why didn't I stop you from straining

my thighs, my neck, my hands, my mind with a grip suggesting it all?

What of when I said all this

A little too silently, went amiss? 

Look at me

Putting up my walls again

What else do I do?

So I tell myself

Take a pause and breathe 

But every other minute

Seems like that's all I do

When did I stop believing in my pace?

Now look at me 

With a heavy feeling 

Residing in my chest 

Hesitating like I always did, aghast

Stopping myself from hoping, lest..

Thinking again of words spoken in the past

In desparate need of some rest 

Hoping this feeling won't last

Wondering what will you say

When you see this written all over me?

When I let you in again

Breaching my walls

Break free 

There is still some colour left in me