Ungranted life

I remember how it was

Cold, Bleak and Black

Once as I welcomed most

Of what was shunned, without hope to offer 

I prevailed in shadows

Its presence resented by some

Me? I welcomed the unwelcomed

Once again takingsomething wanted by none

Or was it a choice?

Rather a leftover, the remains od whar was left

for me to take and enjoy.

With every dusk, I lived again

Creeping into the darkness

How gladly I received,

Welcomed it with open arms

To once again live the dark

Forbidden pleasure

Was it a different kind of thirst?

Was my desperation invalid?

Afraid what the shadows might reveal

Every second conscious of my moans

Afraid to move, make a sound

In the stillness of the moon

Stealing moments from this world

I am glad to be a theif of passion 

As I can only take it by Larceny

Only the moonlight touched

For touching was forbidden

For I was unnatural

Hah! what ignorance

For my existence did not mater

So where do I go?

What do I do?

When the dawn breaks upon my squirming body

They won't say to me

Be what you want to be

My only solace,

My confidant is the distant moon

The one who looked after

As impatient as I was

Cautioning me every time as it got warmer,

Fading into the light

Taking the cloak of shadows away

Telling me silently to abandon myself

And be someone I wasn't

But was expected to be

Its only the moon

The lkeeper of my secrets

Visitor of my passion

In whose presence my love blooms

For in the brightness of the day

It cannot be

And then life will ask me

Where did this bitterness arise?

Weren't you born

From a mother's womb?

What would I say?

When I return

To the thought that I should've killed

No, not others

But myself

As I was the wrong piece of the puzzle

And now that death is actually on the sill,

Watching me alive

Now that I have lived my ungranted life

Am I terrified?

My fire estinguished

My anger swept

As a sigh leaves my lips

As death Knocks on my door

No, I am not terrified anymore

For now I am happy,

As once I had been

When I hadn't known

That lust and passion are forbidden

For my kind

When I wasn't alienated

When I was just a child

Excited now, anxious still

For darkness to permanently cradle me in her arms

As I'd have to suffer no more

I had written this in 2015, inspired by one of Aprajata Deb's poems. Sitting in the college library, browsing through the magazine, hurridly looking for something impactful to read. I surely did come across something that impacted me enough to write this down. Her poem "Night and the Women Lovers" is written from the moon's perspective overviewing each night's procession of the "forbidden love."

Maybe mine was a response to the moon, for forgetting how to love openly, irrevocably. Its very surprising how this feeling spills over even now after so many years, still foreshadowing my life.